a glimpse of me...

We grew up with so much respect for him… and so much fear as well. His words are the law in our house. He doesn’t speak much but when he does, you better listen. We basically obey him out of fear. There was a time when one of my classmates who happens to court me brought me home. Tinanong ako ni dad “Boyfriend mo ba yun?” and so I answered “Hindi po.” He went on and said “Marunong ka naman mag-commute diba?” I already knew exactly what he meant and from then on, I went home on my own. During my growing years, I always see him as the typical stiff, protective, and disciplinarian type of Dad. He wasn’t in the military but this is how I see him even if he was the one who goes with me in parent-teacher’s meeting or my piano recital, or the one who cleans my ears while on his lap. I realized later on that He was reaching out but I kept distant. So even when he left the house for three years, I wasn’t really affected that much, anyway, hindi ko rin nman tlaga sya nakakausap. But I earnestly prayed for God to bring him back because I love him and I love my family.

When God finally answered our prayers, I said to myself, this time I would change the way our relationship as father and daughter… but I didn’t and likewise, he didn’t. The cycle went on. And while I loved my father and he loved me, communication between us did not go farther than “May allowance ka pa ba?” or “Anong oras ka uuwi? Agahan mo ha…” I can still remember during college, when I was staying at a dorm in school, I would go with him during Mondays on my way to the dorm. And that 1 hour trip was always the longest journey for me since from Bulacan to Quezon City, we don’t talk to each other except for the few questions or comments along the way. Or if I would ask for something I needed or I wanted. He was so near yet so far. I couldn’t simply open up a conversation with him because of the fear that I may say things that he wouldn’t like. I also thought he was too busy with work and others things to listen to my stories.

I’ve kept everything on my own, my pains, my struggles, and my joys. Everything was a secret, even my relationships. My parents would just know it by instinct or from other people except from me. I would just tell them the things that they would want to hear. I even recalled what my response was when one of my friends asked me what if I get pregnant before I graduate. I told her “Siguradong papatayin ako ng Daddy ko!” I knew then that if I committed any mistake, he would disown me. That’s the image that was embedded in my mind which hindered me in building a closer relationship with him. As the eldest, I am a capable person so I think my dad assumed I could do fine on my own. But I had come to a point where I needed my dad to enter into my life and heart in a deep way. As a woman, I needed to be assured that he understood my heart, and then to be able to lean on and rest in his strength. I’d needed this as a child, but as I grew older and had greater difficulties, stress, and pain in my life I needed him more. Yet, I couldn’t seem to convey this to Dad. More than that, I needed to feel safe sharing my heart with him, and I didn’t.

In many ways, I summed up my relationship with our Heavenly Father the same way. My relationship with God was not very intimate and I did not often pray sincerely unless I wanted something. I thought the simple things that happen in my life don’t matter to God at all. I do well in life because of the fear of being punished but I behaved as if I could do whatever I wanted as long as I asked God to forgive me later. I would ask God to forgive me for my sins, but did not make much of an effort not to sin again. This is not exactly what I thought, but that is how I acted. God has been reaching out to me ever since but I was the one who constantly avoid his presence. But God has His own way and own time to meet us. I came to know the Lord way back in elementary and in a series of retreats during high school and college but I just fully understood what it really means to accept Jesus when I attended a women’s retreat like this in 2004. God made me realize how he loved me so much that even if I have sinned and fall short of His glory, He didn’t allow me to receive death as a punishment. Instead, He gave Jesus to die for my sins. Amazing love, how can it be? That you my King should die for me.

Since that time, I have felt nearer to God. He is my Father and my very best Friend. I can tell Him everything. I can talk to Him at all times, about any and everything. I have a joy and peace that was never mine before in my memory. While I continue to seek the Lord, He has opened up my heart for me to see the love of my earthly father as well. As I recall the things that my dad has done for me, I began to appreciate and prove that he loves me so much. I just didn’t know his language of love then. My dad committed his life to Jesus right after attending the Sunday worship where I delivered my first testimony. He wasn’t able to hear me then since they were late. But it was God who spoke to him that day. Since then, I and my family started seeking the Lord. The communication we had lost through the years was restored by God. What’s more is that I can even talk to him things about God; daddy has been a spiritual leader in my family. All I had to do to make things happen was to believe and commit myself to God. As I have accepted the Lord, everything in my life gradually changed. As I obey Him out of love, He was faithful to bless me with things I have never imagined. He gave me more than what I expected and he gave them even I haven’t asked of it yet. The more I feel my earthly father’s love, the more I am overwhelmed with God’s love for me. As He said in Luke 11:11-13 "Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" If my dad wants all the best for me, how much more God. It has been years since I believed my loving God. How many wonderful things and great changes in my life we have experienced! He is so gentle, so merciful, and so patient towards His child. I can testify that His grace towards us during these years is far greater than the grace I have mentioned earlier.

I am 26 years old now but still remain a little daughter growing in faith in both of my daddy’s eyes.